I have a long history of sending weird, unsettling emails and texts to my sister. This really bothers her. I like bothering her. My, how the world is admirably arranged.
My favourite email was this:
From: (Rick’s e-mail address)
To: (Stupid Sister’s e-mail address)
Dear (Stupid sister’s name),
I like to poop. It makes my bum feel nice.
I like cookies.
I consider this email to be one of history’s great works of comedic genius. She’s still kept up at night by it. Whenever she gets an email with the subject “Hello,” something horrible is coming. I love it.
Of course, while poop-related emails and texts have always been a favourite, ruining her birthday is fun too. I haven’t given my sister a birthday card that wasn’t somehow insulting in as long as I can remember. I don’t mean the kind you buy that have “ha ha you’re old” jokes or whatever. That’s amateur crap. Rookies buy someone else’s jokes. Professionals make their own. You have to put some work into truly insulting your sister on her birthday. One year I got her a card that had this on the front:
Which opened to this:
That’s my own hand, I’m proud to say.
Of course, the development of true instant messaging provided me with all new ways to really disturb my sister. One day this series of texts happened:
I put more thought into this sort of thing than I do into buying Christmas gifts for her. You can see more of the crap I send her at her blog:
I don’t know what this has to do with anything else I blog about but I’m just so damn proud of it. If you have any fun stories about bothering your siblings, post them here. We can learn from each other.