Marvel Movies Suck

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was in convincing people that Marvel movies are good movies.  In fact, they blow chunks.

Okay, not all of them blow chunks.  “Iron Man” is an objectively excellent movie.  “Spider-Man Homecoming” was good.  After that they’re formulaic nonsense at best.

“Captain America: Civil War” might be the movie with the greatest delta between people’s impression of how good a movie it is and how good it actually is; if you are reading this there is a 90% chance you liked the movie, but it is indisputably an idiotic, nonsensical pile of shit.  The plot simply doesn’t make any sense, even by the standards of comic book movies.  The forgettable, atrociously played villain’s plan is hilariously illogical, half the characters behave in a manner that is completely at odds with their established characterizations, and like most Marvel movies it doesn’t even do a particularly good job showcasing the superpowers of many of its heroes.  The movie was five hours long (or so it felt) and the only part I liked was when Ant-Man and Spider-Man showed up, a scene that did two things the rest of the movie did not;

  1. It had two enjoyable characters acting like their characters should, and
  2. Using their superpowers in ways different from other superheroes.
“On the count of three.. no, stay in front of the green screen, we have to make this totally soulless… 1, 2, 3… SUCK!”

Otherwise the movie is loud and forgettable.  About the same can be said of most Marvel movies.  Honestly, I could go on about these self-aware, overly loud, character-free piles of crap all day, but they’re pretty much all the same.

I have to stress that the concept of superheroes and superheroes are not things I dislike.  If I hated all superhero movies, then the problem would have to be with me.  But in addition to the good Marvel movies I noted above, I also loved “The Dark Knight,” “Spider-Man,” (1 and 2) “Superman,” “The Incredibles,” “Guardians of the Galaxy” and more.   “Deadpool” wasn’t as good as people say but it was okay.  There’s no reason superhero movies can’t be good.  Some of the movies I named should have been nominated for Oscars.

“Most Obviously Plastic Costume Design”

Why Marvel movies have a spell over critics is a mystery I can’t fully explain and it may take time and history to figure it out.  It’s often the case that only in retrospect do we look back and say “what the hell were we thinking?” like with the clothes everyone wore in the 80s.  I am the modern version of someone in 1984 saying “There is no good reason why a woman’s jacket should have bigger shoulderpads than an NFL linebacker.”  I’m just ahead of the curve.

“Captain America: Civil War,” a movie that lacks either a good villain or a story that makes sense, sits at 91% on Rotten Tomatoes, the same score awarded to “Bridge of Spies,” “The Magnificent Ambersons,” “Guardians of the Galaxy,” “There Will Be Blood,” and  “Precious,” every one of which is ludicrously superior to “Civil War.”  “Batman v Superman,” which I will freely admit was 30 minutes longer than necessary and badly flawed in many ways but wasn’t any worse a movie than “Civil War,” gets 27%, a score generally saved for really crappy movies.

Look, I know how you felt the last time you watched a Marvel movie; it seemed okay at the time.  Explosions!  Attractive actors!  One liners!  Hey, is that James Spader doing the voice of Ultron?  Cool!  But it’s like McDonald’s.  While you’re eating it it seems okay, it’s salty and meaty, and then if you think about it later you realize it was bad for you, you could have made something better yourself, you’re kind of sick to your stomach and you question your life choices and why you didn’t lose more weight before and some of this might just be me.

The Marvel movies will keep rolling, though. They’re releasing SIX movies in 2018 alone.  So there will more of this crap, I guess, and there’s nothing I can do about it except wonder what drugs Marvel is passing around in the popcorn.

Please feel free to tell me why I’m wrong.

2 thoughts on “Marvel Movies Suck”

  1. When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get four emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove me from that service? Many thanks!

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