Let’s Fix This Junk: The Vasectomy

This coming Saturday, I will transition from being a man to being whatever you are after a vasectomy.  That’s right; I’m getting the snip.  Mrs. M.A.J. has been carrying the freight on birth control since we met, so it’s time I did my part.  Or parts.

I was referred to what is by all accounts the best castration vasectomy clinic around, and they’ve assured me that the procedure is safe, relatively painless (they didn’t say what it was relative TO, though) and complication free. Indeed, they walked me through the whole thing, so as I know lots of men out there are considering this responsible sort of family planning move, I figured I’d share my thoughts before and after the procedure. Now, I’m a guy who likes to research things, so I’ve put together what I believe are all the details.

1. First you have to shave your junk. Seriously. Now, if you’re already into manscaping, I guess this is a step you’ve already got in the bag (ha) but if, like me, you’re rockin’ it monkey style, this might actually be the riskiest part of the endeavor.

Maybe try an electric razor.

 

 

2. Upon arrival at the clinic, you have the option of taking a sedative. This requires someone drive you home, but, let’s be serious, you’re gonna find someone.

It’s inadvisable to do this part yourself. It can be fun, though.

 

 

3. Once your nutsack is out (NOTE: Do not take your nutsack out in the waiting room in front of the other patients. I’ve made this mistake before and boy, was my optometrist angry) they put an anaesthetic patch on a small section of your bag. Once it’s frozen a bit, they use a very small needle to pump even more anaesthetic into it. I don’t know if you can ask for extra, but I sure as hell plan on trying.

“Ew, it’s all wrinkly.”

 

4. A small hole is punctured into the scrotum. Gosh, I wish there was a nicer way to say that. But, this is an improvement over the way it used to be, when they sliced two incisions into your tackle. They’re very careful about this, or so they say.

Don’t worry, they sterilize it.

5. Now the tubes that draw sperm up from the testicles – the “Vas deferens” – are gently drawn out from the man-purse and severed. The ends are carefully stitched, or, more often, clamped with a miniscule titanium clip, which, if you’re worried about this sort of thing, are not magnetic and won’t see off metal detectors.

 

6.  Now that the vas deferens are severed, the scrotum is laid out on a table and the testicles are smashed repeatedly with a steel mallet.

 

7. One the testicles are completely pulverized, the scrotum is placed into a wood vise and squeezed, allowing the liquefied testicles to shoot out the hole they punctured in step 4. If anything remains, the inside of the scrotum is cleaned out with a Shop-Vac with one of those attachments on the end that allows you to get into tight spaces.

 

8. The scrotum is then tattooed with the words “NO SPERM” in bright caution orange and stapled to the penis for convenience.

May as well use the best, am I right?

I’m sure I’ve allayed all your concerns with this highly scientific description. Wish me luck! I’ll report back in this weekend and let you know how it went.

If you have any stories or concerns about going through this (or your husband going through it!) by all means share them here.

3 thoughts on “Let’s Fix This Junk: The Vasectomy”

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