Like most people, my fondest wish is that I be able to shoot deadly laser beams out of my eyes. Oh sure there’s winning the lottery and world peace but you know you really want to be able to slice your enemies in half with eyeball lasers.
Now, you have to be able to control your eyeball laser power. You don’t want to be cutting up a zucchini with your eyeball lasers, shoot right through the wall and set the cat on fire. I want eye lasers with full control. The other day Mrs. MAJ and I were enjoying adult beverages out back and wasps were coming around. I hate wasps, and all bugs, and if my Stupid Sister tells you I once ran in terror shrieking like a little girl from a big blue bug, she has no video to prove it. Anyway, as the wasps disturbed our time, it occurred to me how convenient it would be if I could just incinerate them with my eyeballs.
I really stared hard at them and furrowed by brow, but nothin’ doin.
I also want my eyeball laser to be able to shoot at things thousands of miles away. Hey, I found out something amazing. If you had eyeball lasers with infinite power and you swept your eyes down and cut the world in half, do you know what would happen to the planet? Nothing. It’s true; the Earth isn’t really a solid object the way a pool ball is. It’s held together by gravity, and slicing it in half with eyeball lasers would really do nothing to that. I mean, anyone along the on the part of the surface you cut through would be in trouble, though.
My entire family should be a superhero family. In addition to me being… uh… Laser Eye Guy, we’d have:
SLEEP WOMAN: My wife, Mrs. MAJ, already has a superpower. She’s Sleep Woman. Her ability to fall asleep is unparalleled in human history by people who do not actually have narcolepsy. She falls asleep at will. I find this amazing. I have the sleeping ability of a squirrel who’s had too much coffee and is worried about not having enough nuts for the winter. She just says she’s going to sleep and does so. According to her, this makes her safe. If there’s a noise or something, she sleeps instantly, which as far as she is concerned ends the threat.
So her superpower would be not only sleeping at will, but total physical invincibility when she’s asleep. As members of the Justice League (we’re a DC family) her role would be that when things go crazy, she falls asleep and Superman can pick her up and use her as a weapon. Then later she wakes up and Aquaman can tell her how it went. I don’t know what the hell else Aquaman does.
BURPGIRL: Our eldest, T, is BurpGirl. T is 5’2″ and weighs 90 pounds soaking wet and can belch at decibel levels that make a Harley sound like a purring kitten under a blanket. She’s truly amazing, this thin little girl who can, literally at a moment’s notice, emit a burp so loud, blue whales in the North Pacific think she’s flirting with them. She doesn’t like carbonated beverages so I have no idea how she does it.
BurpGirl would of course defeat enemies with her burps. The sheer power of the sound waves would knock them over and the sheer horror of how gross it is would strike terror into her hearts. Her weakness would be that she has to have iced tea or something for truly effective burps. Maybe Aquaman can carry her iced tea. He’s got nothing better to do.
THE HUMAN MEME: Our youngest, M, is The Human Meme. She will recite the wording from Internet memes, and do so in a way totally indecipherable to anyone who speaks English. This is good an approximation as I can give you, using such words as I can remember:
M: Potato, definitely! Fries, no, eyeball, yes! Potato tomato exactly!
T: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
So other kids get this meme crap from Tumblr or Blastr or Tweetgram or whatever (I am trying to get into all this social media and God there’s a lot of it) but Mrs. MAJ sit there mystified. She might as well be speaking Korean. Which in fact she sometimes does.
The Human Meme would use the power of these indecipherable memes to confuse our enemies. They’d be sitting there thinking “what the hell does potato, tomato, frog time mean?” and be taken by surprise by eyeball lasers, super belch attacks, and a sleeping woman being thrown at them by Superman.
We’re a great family.
Post your preferred superpower.