What’s Wrong With Me

I’m 45 now, which is amazing.  I didn’t know you could get this old.  Since my plan is to get healthier than I currently am, we should take stock of what’s wrong.

  • Hair.  I have a bald spot.  Hair plugs cost something like $10,000, so my solution is to wear hats and enjoy the fact that when I look at myself straight on in a mirror I can’t see the bald part.
  • Teeth. I’m missing a tooth on the bottom right, about three teeth back, which is the cuspid or the dicuspid or the canine molar or something. Don’t look at me that way, I’m not a dentist. Anyway the tooth exploded about eight years ago while I was eating a soft cookie (I told you I was old) and needed a root canal, and then a few years after that just kind of collapsed. Sooner or later I am sure this will end up being a disaster but my dentist wants $5,000 to put a new tooth in.
  • My left elbow hurts.  I don’t know why; I’m right handed, so there’s no reason why my left elbow would hurt.

I went to the doctor about this, and she looked at it for fifteen seconds and declared it was “Tendonitis,” a word derived from two Latin roots:

“Te,” – “It”

“Ndonitis” – “Hurts”

She gave me pills for it, which don’t seem to work, so we’re stuck with that.

  • My stomach is way bigger than it should be. We’ll get back to that.
  • All my joints below my waist make sounds they shouldn’t. I know it’s normal for joints to make the odd cracking sound, but I’m talking fireworks. I can make sounds with my toes that sound like a karate master snapping a board in two. My knees can wake the pets. It’s alarming.
  • Perhaps connected to this, my right knee is ominously sore. I will fix this in the traditional man way, which is to ignore it and take Advil until it reaches the point that I actually have to be brought to the hospital against my will.

So let’s get back to the stomach thing. Here are the plain facts:

It’s September 1, 2017.
I weigh 231 pounds.
Given my height and age, I should weigh about 200.

So, I’m going to start running again and try to improve my diet, and get to 200 pounds. My near term goal is 220 by December 26, which is when we’re headed to Punta Cana and I would like to get at least light enough that I’m not inadvertently admired by whale watching tours.

Every Saturday I’ll tell you how things are going. Root for me, and if you wanna lose weight and play along, leave a comment with your goals, or suggestions for how I might take off the flubber.

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