Hooray! Today I got to go to physiotherapy for the first time! Okay, maybe not “Hooray.” What’s the opposite of “hooray”?
The problem is basically that my knees are falling apart. The doctor says I have “osteoarthritis,” which is a Latin word:
Osteo – “You”
Arthritis – “Are super old”
Physiotherapy was… interesting. After being summoned to the examination room, I met an engaging physiotherapist whose business card said he was an expert in acupuncture. This is also a Latin word:
Acu – “The needle therapy stuff is”
Puncture – “Bullshit.”
The physiotherapist asked be many questions but, curiously, didn’t ask why I had been sent there or whether any sort of diagnosis had been made. I had to blurt that out. His tests seemed a little sketchy, too; his theory was that my knee problems are really because of my weak core muscles. He would prove this by having me hold a leg up for awhile while pressing on (“releasing” in his words) a muscle, seeing how string it was, and then letting go of the muscle and doing the same test, and then would say triumphantly “Look! Not as strong!” Well, of course my leg won’t be as strong when I’ve been holding it up in the air for a full minute. Literally every test was like that. I didn’t actually say “I’m not stupid, I can see what you’re doing” but I thought it.
Anyway, the long and short of it was that they gave me some exercises to strengthen my core muscles and my ass, which, even if he had a preconceived notion about what the problem is, can’t hurt. He also insisted I come in twice a week, which aside from being a little inconvenient which would drain my health spending account in a month.
This is yet another reason why I deserve to win the lottery. They say money can’t buy you happiness, but I think “they” are the people who want to keep all the money. Obviously money can buy you happiness, inasmuch as it can buy you things that would make your happy, and right now what would make me happy are expensive surgical procedures to reverse the effects of aging:
- I am Losing My Hair
Current Poor Solution: Wear Hats
Rich People Solution: Hair plugs!
You can have your hair surgically replaced. They take it from one part of your head and put it on your bald spot. Pretty simple, right?
Okay, so it looks gross in process, but nothing else will save my head, and I can’t afford it. See? Money will buy me happiness. At least my brain will be a little warmer when I’m happy.
- Bad Knees
Current Poor Solution: Wince In Pain, Take Advil
Rich People Solution: New Knees!
Screw this physio crap. Why not just get new knees? They’re got ’em in titanium and Kevlar and other cool sounding material names. Maybe Adamantium or Extra Zesty Nacho, I dunno. If you want surgically enhanced knees you have to go on a waiting list because demand exceeds supply. With money, I could go to some rich people clinic, jump the line, and get it done next week. Hell, replace my hips, elbows and shoulders while you’re at it. Preventive maintenance, as they say. Turn me into a damn cyborg.
- I’m Fat
Current Poor Solution: Diet
Rich People Solution: Liposuction!
Why go to the trouble of dieting when they can just suck the fat out with a hose? Honestly, how complicated can it be? Well, apparently $4,000 complicated, I just looked it up. With that money, we’ll just get 20, 30 pounds outta there in one go and not only will I look good, my new knees will thank me.
4. We Don’t Have a Boat
Current Poor Solution: Stay on land
Rich People Solution: The Crownline 335
Look at that magnificent thing. A 33′ bowrider with a bar fridge, bathroom, a nav computer… the whole family and the dog could spend the day on the lake in that thing just having a blast. Regrettably, they cost a rather exorbitant amount of money, so… what’s that? This has nothing to do with my health? Well, maybe not directly, but I’ll sure FEEL healthier on my sexy boat zipping around with Mrs. MAJ beside me and the engine making it so we can’t hear the kids yelling and burping and Benny standing in the front and the sun shining and everything glorious.
I don’t see the downside of my plan, aside from not knowing how to win the lottery.