I have a terrible confession to make. It starts with my wife making a terrible confession to me.
A few years into our relationship – after we’d moved in together, so she had me committed – she came to me, looking guilty, and said “I need to tell you about something.” This was said in the tone of voice one might used when about to admit to being an escaped felon, or a drug dealer, or a Bengals fan. “What is is, my beautiful darling?” I asked, masking my nervousness.
“I like watching ear wax extraction videos,” she said.
Now, for most people, ear wax is not really a thing you worry about. You scrape a little out when you’re showering and you’re good to go. But apparently some people have ear wax blockages the size of cats, and a doctor has to haul the wax-boulder outta there. Here, look:
Youtube search for “ear wax” and you’ll find more videos than you can count. You will go through the same stages I did:
1. You will be thoroughly disgusted and say something like “I can’t believe we’re watching this.”
2. You will say “But I’ll watch one more.”
3. You’ll suddenly be panicked that YOU might have giant ear wax blockages and you will insist your spouse looks into your ears with a flashlight.
4. You will watch more. You’ll start actually feeling better when you see the wax blob extracted. You will literally have your ears feel better as the wax is yanked out.
5. You’ll start rooting for the doctor. “Yeah! Yeah! Get it out! Get it out!” you’ll say as the biggest wax block is pulled out.
6. Around the 15th video you’ll start criticizing the doctor’s technique, like you’re watching a sport and think you understand it.
7. You will NEVER EVER again use Q-tips in your ears.
Here’s another good one:
Once you have mastered the ear wax video, you’ll find you need a harder drug, a bigger fix. That’s when Mrs. MAJ started me in on cyst and boil videos. She’s my pusher.
In all seriousness, don’t do this at home, but if you do please put it on Youtube because I can’t get enough. Then I post them on my sister’s Facebook page, because she hates that.
Eventually you’ll graduate to cyst removal. Dr. Sandra Lee has the best videos; she is literally my favourite media personality now. If you want to be truly, thoroughly horrified and yet have a great time, watch her remove cysts the size of softballs from people.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking; how the hell did it get that bad? You don’t do something BEFORE that? I don’t get it, either.
PS – You can watch this stuff for free, but she does have one out for purchase now at just 99 cents. It’s the biggest one ever, and the proceeds go to relief efforts for Hurricane Harvey and Irma. If you’ve worked your stomach up, it looks like a great one and folks need your help.
Now go forth, get grossed out, and tell me in the comments what your vile obsession is.