Destroy All DJs

There is no creature on this earth more vile and hateful than a radio DJ.

I’m sure everyone’s had the experience of listening in despair as an idiot DJ babbles over the first twenty seconds of a good song.   Finally, your jam comes on, and Booger keeps yapping about something eminently forgettable.  It’s worse than smallpox.

Look at this asshole.

While song-talking-over is bad, if you listen carefully you soon realize they’re always just as awful.  You won’t find conversation more vapid in a seventh grade clique.

The worst are, by far, the morning DJ team, usually referred to as “the Zoo Crew” and generally consisting of two dickheads with nicknames and a woman without; “Hey there Toledo, it’s the Morning Zoo show on Q103.5 with Wiener, Fartface, and Janice!”  The gist of the Zoo Crew is these zany characters will get you up in the morning with their hilarity and jokes, which I guess is true if what it motivates you to do is get up to drive to the radio station and hit them with a shovel.

I’ve had the occasion to drive around in most of the large cities in North America and can say with total certainly that all radio DJs – at least on pop and rock stations – are awful.  Every one of them is a turd.  For all their alleged comedic skill you always get the sense of the straining, nerdy, desperate overreach of the drama class jackass going five percent too far in his never-ending effort to get people to LOOK AT ME!!  It’s the same flopsweaty freneticism you get from improv troupes.  You can tell that behind their simpering laughs and fart jokes, Skipper the Morning Drive Host is a deeply sad, broken individual whose greatest life accomplishment is still having played Lt. Brannigan in his eleventh grade production of “Guys and Dolls” and every night after handing out $80 in prize money to the mouth breathing seventh caller he goes home, sits on the toilet, and puts a gun in his mouth until the shakes go away.

These guys were okay.

I cannot for the life of me understand why radios even HAVE DJs.  I’m sure they served a purpose back in the Stone Age, when radio stations had vinyl records and nothing was computerized; it was tough in 1985.  But today, come on.  You could computerize this job with a nerd, a computer and a few day’s worth of Red Bull.  Why don’t they?  Maybe all the radio stations are owned by former DJs.  The hell with them.

This would be mildly more tolerable if the radio stations didn’t play such shitty music.  I like the IDEA of a station that lays the music of my youth, the 1980s and 1990s, but my memory of the 1980s is dramatically different from 97.3’s.  I recall that there was quite a lot of music in many styles.  The folks at 97.3 believe it was all Bon Jovi, all the time.  They must play Bon Jovi twenty times a day.

I hate Bon Jovi more than I hate DJs.

 

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