I have a brilliant business idea; a vacation resort where you’re asleep the entire time. ComaSpa! The best vacation you’ll never remember!
Now, I think most working parents will agree that they’re tired. I am tired basically every waking hour of my life. I am so very tired. I range from “somewhat tired” to “exhausted” with a side of “worn out” basically nonstop. All people I talk to say the same. Look at me.
When I go on vacation, my primary concern is whether or not I’ll get lots of sleep. We’re going to the Dominican this winter and honest to God, the thing I’m looking forward to most isn’t the sun or the pools or the booze or the beaches, it’s the fact that I’ll be allowed to sleep in every day. That is literally the most enticing thing I can think about. Crystal clear water I can swim in and see wonders of nature? Cool, but not ’til after 10, okay? I need some sleep.
Our favourite time of day is bedtime. I start thinking about how wonderful it’s going to be about eight minutes after I wake up. Many evenings we’ll start talking at 7:30 about how we wish it was bedtime.
Anyway, a few months ago, I heard some celebrity did drugs or something and they had to put them in a medically induced coma, and thought; why restrict that to just idiots who do drugs? Why not ME? And that’s the idea: ComaSpa!
At ComaSpa, you show up and nice hosts will welcome you, give you a fine robe and slippers, and escort you to you room, where medical professionals will put an IV in your arm and put you into a coma. You’ll then enjoy peaceful, uninterrupted slumber for as long as you paid for. We’ll have one and two week packages, and of course there will be weekend deals.
Of course, at ComaSpa, our guests will be well cared for. We don ‘t just knock you out and leave you to gather bedsores, unless you took the budget deal. Our staff will regularly bathe and care for you, prop you up in chairs with drinks and take pictures of you, whatever you like.
Nor will you walk out of ComaSpa the same haggard, wild-eyed, panic-stricken idiot you walked in, desperately trying to hold onto a veneer of sanity and competence. Towards the end of your stay at ComaSpa, top hairdressers, massage therapists, aestheticians, dermatologists, barbers, and other beauty experts will completely make you over. Dentists and dental hygienists will fix everything wrong with your teeth. Every hair out of place will be plucked, every gray shaded anew, manicures and pedicures done, the works. You hair will never have looked better, your skin clearer, your teeth whiter. Do you look like Steve Buscemi after losing a bar fight? And you’re a woman? You’ll walk out looking like Jennifer Lawrence (right after she beat up Steve Buscemi and looks proud of it.)
In fact, why not a little plastic surgery? You’re in a coma; at ComaSpa, we’ll fix it all. Some liposuction to get off that ten pounds you can’t shake, a nip here, a tuck there, and now Jennifer Lawrence and Ryan Reynolds WISH they looked as fine as you two. (Couple discounts, of course.) You’ll wake up feeling rested, looking great, and hell, we’ll detail your car for you.
What’s even more wonderful is we’ll have a ComaSpa in every city. See, to go to a resort is a hassle. You have to go to an airport, get on a plane, and all that crap. It takes hours. ComaSpa can set up anywhere there’s commercial space. We’re 20 minutes away with free parking.
Literally every person I’ve mentioned this idea to had three reactions:
- When can I book my stay?
- My kids won’t be there, right? Tell me my kids won’t be there.
- If you can detail my car while I’m asleep can you have someone clean my house too?
Damn right we can. ComaSpa will do it all; it’s about being RESTED. You only have to sleep for a week; hell, we’ll have someone feed your pets if that’s what it takes to make sure your sleep is perfect.
All I need is about a hundred million dollars in startup money. Who’s in?