3 Steps To Make Yourself The Most Hated Human On Earth

Here’s a question you probably didn’t think you needed an answer for; what act that does not involve killing human beings would make you the most hated person in the world?

Looking and acting like Martin Shkreli, for instance, seems to work pretty well.

Admit it, you want to punch him.

So people hate douchebags.  But I think we can do better.

Many years ago I had a cat named Cherokee, who in a very scary incident fell off my sixth-storey balcony.  Astoundingly, she was uninjured.  I was amazed.  If you or I fell 70 feet, even if onto a lawn, we’d be dead or wish we were.  So I assumed the size of an animal is inversely proportional to the injury it takes in a fall.  And you know what’s big?  An elephant.

There are African elephants and Indian elephants. This is probably one or the other.

Logically, it seemed to me that if humans would be much more badly hurt than cats, elephants would be more badly injured still.  So I went to the Straight Dope Message Board and asked the smart people there “What would happen if you threw an elephant out of a helicopter?”  The answer, supported by math, was “It would splash.”  More interesting, though, was that people were kind of horrified I even asked, even though it was just for science.  I wasn’t suggesting anyone do it.

Then today I found out someone called the “Cash It Outside” girl is getting a record contract.  Apparently she’s a juvenile delinquent who was on Dr. Phil, said “Cash me outside” (meaning “catch”) and was such a Youtube click machine they let her record an album.  She’s 14 and her favorite hobby, no kidding, is stealing cars.  She’ll be a millionaire by the end of the year.  Her mother is putting her up to all this.  You hate her already, don’t you?

So based on that and on Martin Shkreli’s face up there, the elephant thing, and the hatred people pour on talentless Internet celebrities, the three things you’d have to do to be the world’s most hated human without killing a person are

  1. Harm animals,
  2. Be absolutely the most insufferable bro douche possible while doing it, and
  3. Get famous on Youtube.

So obviously what you’d need to do is break into a zoo with GoPro cameras and flame throwers, and set the elephants on fire, and then upload it to Youtube.  As the poor animals were running and trumpeting and blazing, say things on camera like “Yo, dude, elephants be HAWT!” and “Get some marshmallows, bro!” and make duckface poses and those hand signals douches make at the camera.

See?

You’re probably angry I just wrote that, aren’t you?  I’m not suggesting anyone do it, for God’s sake.  I’m saying it’s the most hateful thing you could do that isn’t technically murder.  Super illegal, but not murder.

But you’d be famous on Youtube.  Depressingly, that seems to be all some people care about now.

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